Friday, November 4, 2011

The Indian GP, Shock & awe!!




India had a very eventful October to say the least; The Mumbai Indians won the Champions League T20 followed by the rest of India’s Indians whitewashing the English in the one day series. Delhi was supposed to have Metallica first, but eventually quiet little Bengaluru was woken up with random shrill cries from 4 dopey Americans with loud Instruments. But by far the most awesome thing to happen was India pulled off the Inaugural Indian Grand Prix at the Buddh International Circuit in Greater Noida. The track, the cars, the noise, the feel, nothing could match the excitement it generated. Somewhere in the middle of it all though, it lost its essence, its “Indianness”.
So here are my 10 reasons why I was pleasantly surprised by the Indian Grand Prix.
1) Shahrukh Khan was nowhere to be seen, even more shockingly, no Ra.One posters.
2) The event organizers went for Metallica over a performance from Malaika Arora.
3) Maharashtra didn’t create a ruckus that the UP guys took away our jobs first, n now our race-track
4) PETA didn’t have a morcha for the dog that was unceremoniously escorted out after the 1st day’s practice session
5) There wasn’t a breaking news ticker at the bottom of the screen after every overtaking maneuver calling it “sansani”.
6) Mayawati actually gave the winner a cup instead of a signed statue of herself
7) Siddharth Mallya wasn’t asked in the Pit Lane if he and Deepika were a couple
8) Dr. Vijay Mallya wasn’t asked when he’d be appearing on “Simi Selects-India’s most Desirable”
9) Narain Karthikeyan wasn’t called on the podium to collect a consolation prize for being the 1st Indian to finish the race
10) It was constructed, in time, and somehow no politician ended up in Jail.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Lokpal Bill.. Anna Timeline

1) April 2nd – India win the world cup… All the papers mention it as if it’s the greatest thing to ever happen to India.. Big Moment, definitely. But does this have to be the greatest moment for India of this decade? Debatable. One man, sitting in his modest village of Ralegan Siddhi had a bigger picture in mind. “28 yrs ke baad phir se World Cup to jeete?? Aage kya? How about people come to know about something that was to happen in 1968, still hasn’t. Emotions are charged, strike when the iron is hot. Jan Lokpal Bill, we’re coming to revive you!” Stand Up, Anna Hazare!!
2) April 3rd-4th: Anna Hazare, meticulous man that he is, does some research on the bill. Realizes that old India knew new India would me pretty messed up in the future considering all our politicians are old, uneducated, orthodox buffoons,& the new folk are too "cool" to get into politics. He had to get their attention. As well as educate them. But how??
3) April 5th – Hunger Strike Mofos!! Anna knew that the last thing a politician/party wants on their hands is a death of a freedom fighter, ultimate Bad PR you see. They’ve done it before, promising them land & money after their death, Making “smarans” and “udyans” which ultimately end up being drug peddling stations. But this is the first time it would be without any middlemen to blame. Anna begins; pass the Lokpal, or else!!
4) April 6th: What started off as one man demanding his right, becomes a crusade.. Nothing picks up unless endorsed by a celebrity. Step up Baba Ramdev; that winking, half naked sadhu man with an epic beard. Suddenly it’s a mass movement. Step up Facebook ; everyone knows about it now. Youth play their part too, well, some of them did. The rest just changed their FB display pics to Anna Hazare’s photo & updated their status every 5 mins. (India has a lot of growing up to do if we need more Anna’s in the future)
5) April 8th: India’s most powerful man, Mr. Sharad Pawar realizes there’s nothing he can do, as always. There’s nothing he could possible ban without agitating the public further. Besides, the IPL was to start, he’s not letting go of his cash cow. So what does he do? Resigns from the drafting committee.
6) April 9th : Pawar, though not a part of the committee anymore somehow convinces the ruling party to accept Anna’s demands due to the falling TRP’s of the first day of IPL. Congress accepts(This version at the time made more sense than the Congress actually caring for Anna's well-being). Anna breaks his fast, drinks Nimbu Pani, not without a warning though : “you have until 15th August to get this approved, or else!!!” (Note to self, “or else”, greatest threat ever). People celebrate this mini victory & go back home.
7) April 10th to May 29th : IPL, so no one really gave two hoots about the progress of the Lokpal bill, no random FB status even, shocker. Mumbai Indians fail again, Dhoni wins Again. IPL ends. Now what, oh yeah. Congress, what about the Lokpal Bill y’all??
8) May 30th : Congress wishes the IPL was longer, so that ppl would truly forget, alas, didn’t happen.. the draft committee meets, nothing happens..
9) May 31st : Pranab Mukherjee, Leader of the draft committee makes up a makeshift bill. As always, pretty shitty. Nothing along the lines of those initially thought of. No PM, no senior MP’s n no acts of higher judiciary were under the purview. Wait, wasn’t that the most important of all?? It’s like giving a box of chocolates to you & saying, those extra tasty ones with little nuts in them, those are for someone else, don’t eat those!!
10) June 4th-5th : Ramdev wants a heads up over Anna this time, Fasts at Ramlila Maidan, Delhi, in an AC tent. Fail. Has to run around later in womans clothes, arrested. Leave the important work to the pros next time Baba. Good try though.
11) June 6th : Anna steps up. He’s agitated about his good friend’s treatment by the Delhi police for a just cause. Goes Hulk Green, sends a letter to Pranab Mukherjee stating reasons for their absence at the meeting and also asked government to make its stand public on the contentious issues related to the proposed draft legislation. They also decided that the future meetings will be attended only if they were telecast live. In short, Anna to Ruling Party – Two can play this game bitches!
12) June 8th - at Rajghat, describing his movement as the second freedom struggle, Anna criticised the Government for trying to discredit the joint Lokpal Bill drafting committee and threatened to go on indefinite fast again from 16 August 2011 if the Lokpal Bill is not passed by then. (keep reading, not his last “or else”) He also criticised the Government for putting hurdles in the drafting of a strong Lokpal Bill and its attempts to malign the civil society members of the joint Lokpal panel
13) June 9th to 27th July : India Play West Indies in a series India was bound to win, so as always, Politics took a back seat (You still disagree when I say Mr. Pawar is India’s most powerful man?, he made it seem like that series made sense!)As the series victory comes closer, congress realizes it’s almost August, that old strong man might not shut up for long, we need to do something.
14) July 28th : The union cabinet on approved a draft of the Lokpal Bill, which keeps the Prime Minister, judiciary and lower bureaucracy out of the ambit of the proposed corruption ombudsman Lokpal. Hazare rejected the government version by describing it as “cruel joke’’ and wrote a letter (yup, no stone throwing yet, still Gandhian you see) to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, and told him his decision to go on an indefinite fast from 16 August 2011 at Jantar Mantar if the government introduced its own version of the bill in Parliament without taking suggestions from civil society members.
15) July 29th to August 14th : Congress puts their finger in their ears shouting “la la la la la, I can’t hear you. la la la la la.. U can’t do anything to us.. la la la la la”. All the while buying new shiny white kurtas for the 64th Independence day anniversary.
16) August 15th : India turns 64. Senior Citizen, who has yet to grow up!! Same corruption, same lethargy, same “you do na, why should I bother, I’m busy”. Anna Hazare has enough, he’s seen enough. 16th August, We war!
17) August 16th : Anna begins his fast unto death. He declares it to be epic. We believe him. Unfortunately the Delhi Police & our Ministers don’t. Give a national movement limited entry of only 5,000 people for protest. Are you kidding me?? He goes ahead with anyway, there’s no backing down now. Delhi Police panics, what does it do? Arrests Anna. Oooh, Bad move!
18) August 17th : Flames lit, Tihar Jail gheraoed to get out our arrested “voice” . Azad Maidan in Mumbai packed like sardines. Most outstanding aspect of it however is that in spite of the public, n what our country is famous for, no riots, it’s all peaceful. Gandhi will be proud. Now not just the police, the ruling party too is petrified. Our Prime Ministers barely audible voice shuts down further. There’s a revolution coming, & trust me, everyone feels it!!
19) August 18th- ??: Not just one city, not just the country, we’ve even had our NRI’s all over the world going to their respective Indian consulates demanding answers. Make no mistake, this IS a revolution. Ever been one of those who wondered when our country would stand up?? Ever been one of those who saw those larger than life images of Tahrir Square wondering when it would be our turn?? Well, all you folk now have stories to tell your grandkids. We stood up, now it’s time to move ahead. Hopefully this time we make it count, & don’t go back to the routine. Fingers crossed. Oh btw, Ruling party of this amazingly diversified Republic of India. Checkmate.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Womens day article

We’re Indians, besides my uncanny ability to point out the obvious, I would also like to point out, that by default we have Indian values (demure attitudes yet perennially raised eyebrows & of course, projectile spitting), which have restricted our approach towards women. We know of them as Freedom fighters, Space travelers etc. however somehow, Society still brands them as the weaker sex. The Travesty of it I tell you. Society should bow down before her Might. You disagree eh?? (affix tight slap here). You want Proof? (2 more slaps) I’ll give u 4, mytho style!! Pay close attention minions!!
1) Goddess Roadvati : She’s above the road, i.e. The rules of the road are not for her. She’s allowed to cross the streets without a care in the world, cell-phone in hand. The mere fact that she’s conversing indicates the urgency of the matter, didn’t u read the “Women Crossing” pamphlet in Driving school you imbecile!! If you dare hit her, accept your fate from her faithful followers (read roadside chappris), & if she ends up with even a scratch, you’ll be castrated before you can even say “No! I might need that some day!!” Those ads promoting SUV’s as Rulers of the road should be sued for false advertising, that’s a title reserved for Women. (Some eventually begin to resemble SUV’s, but that’s a different matter)
2) Goddess Terigalti: If in a relationship, admit one thing, you’re male, so there’s no argument, it’s your Fault!! You’ve kept the Toilet seat up, your fault! & then you argue that she should put it down?? You wretch!! You deserve those laser beams shooting from her eyes for being stupid enough to even consider her making an effort. Melt Scoundrel!!! Unwritten Rule in Darwins theory of evolution- “The length of your relationship is inversely proportional to the time the male takes to admit & plead forgiveness”.
3) Goddess Rangbirangi: Just because they taught you only the 7 colours of the rainbow doesn’t mean those are the only 7 colours in the World, you monochromatic Male!! You think there’s just red eh?? Nope, it branches out into Rose, Burgundy, Scarlet, Vermillion etc. Stop wasting all your time on Facebook, Wikipedia those colour variants, that’s your homework for the chapter on “Relationship”. If you fail, you could be out, Don’t flatter yourself by thinking you’re the only candidate,if you pass, your relationship continues till the next pop quiz, that’s consolation enough. Let’s call this Lesson 1 in the holy grail called Rrelationships”
4) Goddess Mayawati: You think that woman made all those statues to brighten up the streets, Haa, don’t humour me!! It’s based on “Aureolin” rule (the “goldenest” rule,I do my homework), “It’s all about HER”! This is THE rule for masculine survival. If you forget her Birthday, any anniversary, or even the day her pet dog had her first litter, any form of punishment you do receive is insufficient. If she acknowledges you, rejoice!! Repeat this exercise daily; “Forget about me, bolo, how was YOUR day??” & quietly listen to the Hamlet monologue she has to unleash, & btw, pay attention, there might be trick questions to answer.
All those Golden words u learnt in school are to be used only in reverence of these Deities. They own the earth, they rule and rock your world!! U, “Male”, is your day (Nov 19) celebrated like theirs?? NO! So sulk in the corner all you want after realizing you’re inconsequential, but don’t forget to get them flowers & a box of chocolates on 8th March, smile wide, & say it with me, “HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY, OH ALMIGHTY ONE!!”


P.S. This post was published in JAM. What was published however was this article-heavily edited. But I thought I'd post the original rough draft I'd forwarded to them.
Enjoy. You're Welcome.

http://www.jammag.com/humerus/new1/nindex1.php?section_id=2&cs=yes&article_id=353

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Relationshipus Nonsensiclus…

If the Title confuses you then relax, coz it’s a new term that has been given to the age old malady that has been going on for generations on end. It is a condition that generally affects the Heart( source) but then starts spreading to afflict the various other parts of the body, resulting eventually in, Failure of the Brain, i.e. Maximus Stupidus. Ladies n gentleman I present to thee, Love..
In my 21 years of research I have found out that this is by far the most overrated of Diseases, and is easily curable, though it’s preferable if it were Prevented. It has a affliction rate higher than the Common Cold, n causes more physical n mental damage than Prostrate cancer. It is also known in the inner circle as “Ladoo Motichurus, jise ho vo bhi tadpe, jise na ho vo bhi tadpe”. However one of the most lethal aspects about this disease is that if you are affected, n then if the Virus decides to leave ( sometimes, luck permitting) u still end up with “Humiliation Extremus” which is caused by the now disease-free person to constantly crave for a shoulder to cry on, n eventually become what Medical Journals call “Devdasic”. But even more lethal is being immune to this disease n thus being termed as “Heartless” and then becoming a social outcast.
Here are Some of the Symtoms of R.N.:

1) Effeminacy of the Y chromosome containing Party:
R.N. causes the male to say things like “aaaawww, really??” n “How Sweet”, though this is not as bad, but then when these words are accompanied by the occasional 20’ tilt of the head, u know the situation is getting worse. If you see a person doing so, pls thwack him on the head, or if u feel like taking advantage of the situation, record a video of him doing so, trust me, the novelty of the video shall never die down!! Also it makes the Man seem like his testicles are in transit, or that he didn’t go to Baggage claim when Gods “Sex only after Marriage, till then a VIRGIN ATLANTIC” airlines landed. For the sake of the parties future, embarrassment is a dictat.

2) Craving for attention of the X Chromosome party:
This is seen during the courtship phase whereby the female is said to ask redundant n absolutely doofus like questions about ones Physical appearance. N it generally begins from the physical extremes i.e. Hair/Shoes. However since the Male party is afflicted from Symptom 1, it causes him to actually give an opinion on the erstwhile asked questions, which fuels the conversation to head to more confusion than a Priyadarshini Movie. At this time, it is prescribed that both parties move away from a social gathering to either avoid being ridiculed, or if they want to, both could go on ahead together n get their Hair n Nails done..

3) Confuciusness:
Wisdom is gathered through experience, or so they say, however when one suffers from R.N., one seems to suddenly be filled with Advice giving ability which generally begins with the line, “From my experience”, n is accompanied by the hand over the shoulder, if u haven’t someone managed to free yourself from this submission move, you’re forced to sit through the pravachan banging your head n cursing yourself for having asked the dreaded question (or did you?).

4) Sudden Increase in Personal Hygiene:
A person who initially barely brushed his teeth after waking up shall now not only brush after every meal, but shall even regularly shave his/her armpit hair, trim the odd stray nostril hair, well, u get my drift. Though, it’s a good thing, it makes u kinda realize, why not make the same effort initially?? At least then you’d save the pre-known people from the Bad breathed, unkempt and often “I’m sure I’d pass off as a beggar, easy money!” person we’ve all come to love/hate/ignore.

5) Depleting Wallet Phenomenon:
This is by far THE biggest symptom n a sure shot sign that there’s a patient among you'll. When alone if the person says “Subah 400 Rs. Lekar gayaa tha yaar, sab ud gayaa, sirf 10 rupay hain abhi”, Cross-Question the cheeky runt. Either he’s seen Bunty Aur Bubli too many times n learnt the art of conning, or he’s genuinely, a Victim!! If the person is one who has no dearth of Money, then there’s obviously gonna be no worry of an empty pocket, that’s when u co-relate this with Symptom 1, if u run a scavenger hunt around his house n find anything girly, admit him immediately!!

6) Ignorance of the Societal concept/ Tunnel Vision:
When u begin to notice than u only notice one person, bonk your head with a Baseball Bat. This optometric impairment is known as Tunnel Vision, or “Ghode ki race”. When a reply to whatever u ask the probable afflictee is “eeeeh???”, it means that u have just been relegated by the afflicted to the “You’re not the one I want to talk to/Hear from, so pakaa mat!!”category. It would be best to let that person just be, n hope he wanders aimlessly with some gay Aatif Aslam track playing on his mind n then gets run over by a Ford Endeavour ( that would be very very detailed)

7) Alteration of the senses:
It has been said that when one sense is lost, the others are heightened, so too in this case. While Suffering from R.N. it has been noticed that all of a sudden the parties voices begin to resemble squeaks n vision is impaired (see Symptom 6 for Further details). Also the sense of touch magnifies n there is a constant need to touch the other partner in a very Braille like fashion, as if the other parties skin is some of sort of cryptic code to find “hidden” treasure ( well, it kinda is, isn’t it?? :P). This is one symptom that I endorse even if you’re not suffering from R.N., the outcome/discovery could be “Eureka” worthy!!


Before I get “flooded” with replies from the 2/3 people I know who I force to read this, let me tell you, No, I’m not Pathetic, & Yes, Love is Stupid. But I’m no Narayan Shankar (Amitabh Bachhan in his “mujhe Parivartan pasand nahi” love hating role in the debut movie of the incredulously gifted Uday Chopra In Mohabbatein), I just felt that the opinion presented here is more “bash-worthy”. With this Piece I have also tried to show off my English skills, n have exhausted it (I strongly advice against it coz it’s very tiring to type more characters on the keyboard, n well, Carpal Tunnel!).
To all those who suffer, always remember there’s a Cure n to all those who don’t, WE”RE A SUPERIOR SOCIETAL SUB-STRATA!!

Abide,
Joe

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dekh tere sansaar ki haalat kya ho gayi Bhagwaan, kitna badal gayaa Hindustan!!

Meri Maa Hamesha kehti hai, ki Kitna alag tha unka bachpan,
35 ke umar mein Nargis Mother India bani, Aur aaj kal sabko hero hi rahna, even if he is Pachpan..

Waheeda Rehman ne “Pyaasa” mein, sirf Apni aankhon se duniya ko maara,
Ab to Katrina ki kamar na dikhe, Distributor to bhookha hi mare bechaara..

Laxmikant Pyarelalji ke madhur saaz , Rafi aur Kishore ke aavaz suhaane,
Aaj kal Sameer jaise lyricist hain, aur sadele rap ke bina kaise hove khatam gaane??

Pehle tha sirf humaara Doordashan, raat ko “chitrahaar” dekhke so jaana..
Aaj kal Hindi sunne bhi na aave, Reality Shows ke karvat shabdon ka hai zamaana..

Aaj kal “Kingfisher Deccan” zyaada chale,kisi ko na jaana in apni comfortable rajdhaani,
Energy ke liye peete hain Gatorade, kya bhool gaye sab log Glucon-D with paani??

Kingfisher aur Royal Stag ka zamaana gayaa beta, sab ko chahiye nashaa foreign,
Teamwork gayaa khadde mein, haare to “Ur fault”, jeete to “Mere Kaaran!!”..

Bacche aaj kal “Wassup Dude” chillaye, Namaste bolne ki gayi tameez..
Dhoti to kabka “out of fashion” gayaa, abhi door na rahaa Salwar Kameez..

Dekh rahe ho na ooparwaale kitni badli humaari psyche??
Pehle bole “Hey Bhagwan” uske baad “teri Maa Ki”

Haan, Cricket ek abhi bhi chale, Doosre khelon mein iccha kab jaagegi??
20 saal mein Afreeka bhi football cup host karne lagaa oye, humaara baari kab aaegi??

Bhartiyon ne Noble aur Oscar Puraskar hai jeete, 60 saal hue, berozgaari ki abhi bhi paari hai..
Kaise aage badhe desh ?? 20-30 saal pehle jo Politicians the unki innings abhi bhi jaari hai..

Chalo jo bhi ho,Maa kehti hai hi badlaav to aana hai hi.. yeh zindagi ki reet hai..
Pustakon mein meri kavita chapne se rahi.. Abhi 2-3 log bhi padhe to yeh experience sweet hai..!!

( Rohanji ko is kavita ki prerna jagaane ke liye dhanyavaad)